


I'ts the eyes, it's those goddamned eyes- Bucky barnes

by LiamDunbar



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-06-15 16:40:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15417180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiamDunbar/pseuds/LiamDunbar
Summary: You were a trained assassin, used by HYDRA to train their “soldiers”. One of these soldiers being James 'Bucky' Barnes or as you knew him “The Winter Soldier”. Now many years and memory wipes later the two of you meet again. Will you remember what happend all those years ago?





	1. CHAPTER ONE: Introduction

_“May 27th, 1955.  
SUBJECT #1, The Winter Soldier”_

Your fingers traced the letters on the folder. You had been training HYDRA soldiers for about 3 years now. Atleast that’s how far back you remember. For all you knew they could’ve wiped your memory off them before that. 

“Backlash, they’re ready for you”  You heard a guard say. You sighed and turned around. To say you disliked “working” for HYDRA was an understatement.  You hated how they called you Backlash, but you knew telling them to call you Y/N would only get you in trouble. 

The guard grabbed you by the arm, you knew what was coming next and you knew it was gonna hurt. The electrical shock started in  you neck, quickly spreading through your body, rendering you unconcious.

Next thing you knew you were laying on the floor. You looked around you, this time the room was white. There aren’t any windows, there are  never any windows. You looked around and to your surprise the room was still empty. Usually a young scared HYDRA recruit would stand in the corner, awaiting his training. 

In the corner of the room stood your weapons or as you prefered to call them your training devices. You called them this to help yourself sleep at night. Your mind telling your heart you were just training them to be better soldiers.  

You were holding a metal stick in your hands, it was still covered in the blood of your past trainees. God you would never admit it but seeing people hurt, hearing them beg for mercy, it made you feel powerful. You hated that you felt that way but it was true.

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didnt even hear the door open behind you. You only realised someone was in there with you when you heard the door close. “You must be-” You started to great your trainee of the day, but as you turned around you were shocked to see the this big musculair men infront of you. What threw you of most wasn’t even the metal arm.

**It was the eyes, those goddamned eyes**


	2. Chapter two: Soldat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were a trained assassin, used by HYDRA to train their “soldiers”. One of these soldiers being Bucky Barnes or as you knew him “The Winter Soldier”. Now many years and memory wipes later the two of you meet again. Will you remember what happend all those years ago?

The man infront of you didn’t react to your shocked expression. He just stood there, silent and still. He didn’t look like the kind of man that would need training, but you didn’t really look like an assassin either. Whatever that’s supposed to look like.

You put the metal stick down, “Lets get this party started” You mumbeld, charging at him, not giving any warning, you wanted to see what the Winter Soldier could do. You wanted to see if he was really as dangerous as his file described him to be. Above all you just wanted to see if he was really as emotionless as he appaered.

The soldier was standing with his legs slightly apart. This gave you just enough space to slip underneath him and attack him from behind. To your suprise the soldier had turned around before you could even make a move. Quickly changing your plan of attack you used the wall behind you for support and kicked your opponent to the ground. For a second the soldier looked shocked. He quickly pulled himself back together, but you saw it in his eyes. He wasn’t used to being the weaker link. Honestly you weren’t even sure he was.

The Winter Soldier mumbeld something russian, jumped back up and ran to you. You felt the cold metal of his hand wrapping around you neck as he pushed you up against the wall. You tried your best not to panick, but you couldn’t breath and you were panicking. You hadn’t been in a situation like this in years. At HYDRA you had always been the stronger one. The soldier’s grip quickly loosened and you dropped down, attempting to catch you breath.

Sitting with your back against the wall, you couldn’t help but wonder why he let go. You knew HYDRA always told their soldiers to give their all and this wasn’t his all. You could feel it in the way his grip had suddenly loosened as you fought for your breath.

Your eyes had gone blurry from tears, when they finaly started clearing up you noticed the soldier was squating infront of you. His head slightly tilted, his blue eyes staring into yours, as if he was studying you.

You decided to use this moment to overthrow your opponent, you were here to teach him how to fight after all. You pushed yourself away from the wall and threw yourself against the soldier, causing him to lose his balance. You landed behind him, quickly wrapping your legs around his neck. Your grip was tight, but the metal arm of your opponent was holding your leg. His other arm was reaching for your neck.

God this man was strong, but you weren’t just going to let him win. You didn’t want to find out what HYDRA would do if you didn’t.....

Suddenly the room went dark. You didn’t see that coming and for a second your grip on the Winter Soldier loosened. His arms pulling your legs away from his neck. You were bracing yourself for an attack. It didn’t happen.

You felt wind blowing against your body as the soldier layed down next to you. “Cука” You heard your opponent mumble, your russian wasn’t great, but you knew that meant bitch. You couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry” you mumbeld.

no reaction.

“Soldat?” You said in your best russian “ ty v poryadke* ?” . You heard a deep breath, you knew he wanted to react. But before he could the door flew open and the light went back on. “That seems like enough training for today don’t you think. Backlash?” One of the scientist, or as you called them white coats, said walking in. “Grab him”

You looked over to the soldier, a look of panic ran over his face. Panic? You hadn’t expected this kind of emotion this man. You wanted to help him, you really did. Normally it didn’t truelly bother you that your trainee’s were scared. It was their own choice to work for HYDRA. Right? But this one had so much more dept, so much hidden away emotion. You could only imagine what HYDRA put him trough.

You stood up, doing your best to not show any emotions. Trying not to show how those eyes made you feel. Seeying the man getting dragged out of the room. “What are you doing to him?” You asked the white coat. The man laughed, “Don’t worry about that. I’d concentrate on what’s about to happen to you.”

Your eyes went big when you heard his words, you wanted to run, to fight. Before you could do either of those things you felt a sharp shock going trough your body. You tried to fight it but you couln’t.

The next thing you know you’re tied up in a chair. Bright lights are shining in your eyes. You look up seeing the soldier sitting infront of you, tied up. You start to scream and attempt to get loose, “Help please, guys, I work here. Please don’t do this I’ll do anything”. A young nurse, you knew as Glenda, walked up to you and softly pinched it. “Y/N, It’s gonna be okay” She softly whispered.

You were crying, a group of white coats walked into the room. The one from befor was walking upfront, with a shit eating grinn on his face. They all walked up to the Winter Soldier.

They started what you heard them call “therapy”. You saw the man scream, it was so loud and so painful and you hated how you couldn’t help. The screaming seemed to last for hours. When it finaly ended his head was hanging down and you were scared he had died.

“Longing,   
rusted,   
furnace,   
daybreak,   
seventeen,   
benign,   
nine,   
homecoming,   
one,   
freight car”

You heard a white coat say in Russian and suddenly the soldier looked up the scared look was gone and replaced for a thousand-yard stare. He seemed so empty, so emotionless. You could only imagine how many times HYDRA had put him through this before. He was released from his chair and escorted out.

You saw the heads turn to you. “Please” you begged. “Please don’t do this”. A hand ran through you hair, “I’m sorry sweetheart, but you can’t remember”. With those words they started the machine and the pain began.

-

* ty v poryadke= Are you okay? // atleast that’s what google translate told me.


	3. CHAPTER ; firmiliar faces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is no longer in 1955, it is in the present time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set in the present time, however I, the writer, have decided to ignore infinity war, as this doesn’t work with all the characters that have died. Also in this fanfic after Civil War they all got back together and are friends again, because I honestly just need them all together for personal gain. I kept Pietro alive, cause he's a mans that deserved better.

You had been running for days now. No idea where you were or how you got out and honestly you didn’t care. You were free and that’s all that mattered. You were no longer trapped in a dark cell. You were no longer in HYDRA’s grip, but you knew they’d come after you. You knew you had to run and so you did.

 

You were running in a forest, god knows where, when suddenly you heard a female voice. “Steve did you see that?” You heard the moving of leaves in your direction and started running faster. “There. A girl!” A male said, you assumed this must be Steve. You were now going as fast as your legs could take you, you could see the end of the forest and ran to it.

 

Out of nowhere your body hit de ground. ‘Blyad*” you realized you had been caught. “Russian huh?” You looked up to see a red haired woman standing next to you and a blonde man on top of you. They were honestly both gorgeous and if it wasn’t for the fact that they could be HYDRA you would definitely find them attractive. “Kto ty?” The woman continued, in Russian this time. Your eyes went big, the Russian must mean she was part of HYDRA, right?

 

“Natasha, look your scaring her” The man you think is named Steve said.

“I’m just asking her name”

“She looks like we’re going to kill her”

“Steve, she’s running around in the woods, on our territory. She might be here to kill us. Look at how she was running, this isn’t just some rando.” The wom- Natasha said.

 

“I- I’m not going to kill you” You managed to say, the weight of the man on top was really putting a lot of pressure on your lungs. This made it very hard for you to breath, let alone talk. You looked at Steve who just now seemed to realize you couldn’t breath and quickly got off of you.

 

“See Nat, she’s not here to kill us” Steve said offering you a hand, to help you up. You grabbed the hand and quickly got up. “That’s exactly what someone who’s here to kill us would say” Natasha huffed. You saw Steve roll his eyes, “Nat don’t always expect the worst of people.” He then turned to you. You were standing close, but not to close, looking for a way out.   


“Can you tell us your name?” As he was asking you this, Steve put his hand on your shoulder. You quickly pulled away. “No touching, please” You whispered and answered his question, “I’m Y/N” Natasha frowned “That doesn’t sound very Russian”. Steve looked over to her giving her a look that just screamed ‘SHUT UP’. You couldn’t help but laugh, “I’m not Russian” you simply said.  

 

You guys had been standing there for a while now and you realized these people don’t seem like HYDRA, but you can’t help but wonder. “Are you guys HYDRA?” You blurted quickly covering your mouth, you were afraid of the answer. You see a hurt look appear on Steve’s face. “No we are the people who kick HYDRA’s ass.” Natasha answered, giving you a little smile. You immediately felt more relaxed, because even though you didn’t know these people they also hated HYDRA and that makes you feel save.

 

It takes them a while to convince you, but you end up hesitantly agreeing to go back to the compound with them. You know this can end up hurting you but you had been running for days and you were tired. And I mean do you trust these people? Absolutely fucking not. Are you hungry and cold? Yes you fucking are and so you’re following these people to big group of buildings.

  
When you arrived you saw o much technology, you felt shocked. “Wow” you gasped when you saw a man fly past you in a big metal suit. Steve laughed. “I feel the same way kiddo” he said, you noticed him raising his hand, hesitant to put it on your shoulder again. You nodded giving him approval to touch you. The feeling of the big hand on your shoulder felt weird. For these past few years the only times people had touched you is when they were hurting you.  


“Steve your likes a 1000 years old, of course you feel that way” Natasha said sarcastically.  
You frown “You don’t look that old”.    
Natasha laughed “Believe me he is, right cap?” Cap? The word kept replaying in your mind until Steve answering pulled you out of your thoughts. “I’m 100 actually”

 

Your eyes went big, “Guys, what year is it?” You were trying to remember which year it was but you honestly couldn’t. “2018, why?” Natasha answered not even looking at you. You stopped walking, your expression went blank. “No no no it can’t be” You murmured, “It it’s 1957, maybe 1958, not 2018. You- you’re wrong.” Your hands balled into a fists, “Why are you lying to me?” You almost screamed. “We’re not” Steve said, with a worried look on his face. “YES YOU ARE” Your fist quickly moved to Steve’s face, hitting him against his nose. He looked at you with a look of shock on his face. You didn’t stop at that tho, you kicked up your leg meaning for it to hit Steve’s face, but before it did someone grabbed your leg and threw you to the ground.

 

When you opened your eyes again you saw a group of people surrounding you. You saw Steve and Natasha standing a few feet away, talking to the man in the iron suit. You just felt the eyes burning on you, but you didn’t get up, you didn’t say anything. You didn’t want to risk it, these people were dangerous and you weren’t about to die.

 

Out of the blue a face appeared above yours, “Hey I’m Pietro, who are you?” The boy, maybe man, asked you. You could here by his accent that he wasn’t from here. Which weirdly enough made you trust him. “Y/N” you answered grabbing the hand he was holding out to you.

 

“Well Y/N you attacked one of my guys and I’d like to know why?” The man in the iron suit said as he was walking in your direction. You froze, the tone of the mans voice reminded you of the doctors at HYDRA. Your eyes were filling with tears, “I’m so sorry, please don’t hurt me” You begged. If anyone had told you 70 years ago that you would ever beg for mercy you would have laughed in their face. You were a trained assassin why on earth would you beg for mercy, but here you are begging. You’re broken, HYDRA broke you and you hated it. You hated feeling afraid.   


The man frowned, you had been saying “I’m so sorry” over and over again. The man realized he was scaring you and got out of the suit, kneeling down in front of you. “Hey look at me, I’m not gonna hurt you.” He gave you an empathetic smile and a little nod.

 

“I’m Tony, Tony stark and who are you?”  
“Y/N”

“Well Y/N, could you maybe tell me what brings you here?”

You froze again.  
“Its okay” Steve said walking over to the two of you, he looked you in the eye, “Y/N, I’m gonna pick you up now, is that okay?” You nodded, your eyes slowly shut again. You were tired, so tired.

 

When you opened your eyes again you noticed you were in a white room. You immediately stood up, ready for whatever HYDRA was throwing at you this time, when you remembered you got out. “Wow doll, calm down” You heard a voice say, you looked around and your eyes met Bucky’s piercing blue ones. You didn’t know why but they seemed so familiar, without even noticing you murmured “Soldat?”

-

 

*Blyad= fuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was chapter three already! Please leave your thoughts in the comments down below!


	4. CHAPTER 4; A different view

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were a trained assassin, used by HYDRA to train their “soldiers”. One of these soldiers being Bucky Barnes or as you knew him “The Winter Soldier”. Now many years and memory wipes later the two of you meet again. Will you remember what happened all those years ago?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Bucky’s point of view. That’s kinda what’s up

Bucky froze, ‘What did you just say?”. He asked the girl standing in front of him. “I don’t know why I said that” Y/N answered, looking just as shocked as he did. “I- excuse me” Bucky said, turning around, quickly making his way out of the room.

His breathing was heavy and panicked, his vision blurry. A panic attack, Bucky was having a panic attack. He wanted to sit down, but his body didn’t stop. He pushed everything and everyone in his way to the side. He had to get out of there.

Bucky almost made it to the entrance, his hand was already reaching to push the door open, when out of the blue Steve was running next to him. “Buck, stop please”. He could only vaguely hear his best friends words. His mind felt like it was on fire and he wasn’t able to stop it. “Bucky breath in”  Steve said, taking a deep breath in himself, “And out”. He repeated it a few times until Bucky actually joined him.  “Yes, like that” Steve said, giving his friend a small smile. Bucky started slowing down as soon as soon as he got outside, sitting down on the ground. Steve sat down in front of him, giving his friend a second to slow down.

“Buck can you tell me what happened?” Steve asked after a while. Bucky was looking at his hands, lost in his thoughts, it took him a while to realize Steve had asked him something. “She just said something I haven’t heard in a long time” He answered, looking up slightly, making eye contact with Steve. “And I guess it just triggered something”. A deep sigh. “I’m so sorry Bucky, I didn’t know-” Bucky cut him off midsentence. “C’mon Steve, how on earth were you supposed to know. It’s not like she said ‘Hi I’m here to remind Bucky of his awful time as the Winter Soldier.” This caused both of the boys to laugh.

“She called me soldat, it means soldier in Russian” Bucky said, “The scientists always called me that and I guess it just took me back”. He had no good memories attached to that word, he didn’t have any good HYDRA memories in general, but for some reason when the girl said that it made him panic. His hand started shaking a little just thinking about it. Steve put his hand on Bucky’s, pinching t slightly.

“I got you buddy” Steve said, when their eyes meet. Bucky nodded, “Thanks”. His eyes went down again, he didn’t deserve a friend as amazing as Steve. He didn’t deserve any of this, he should’ve died when he fell of that train wagon. None of the awful things that happened to his friends would’ve happened. Tony would’ve still had his parents, they would’ve never fought each other, he thought shaking his head. All the people he killed, would’ve lived and the world would’ve been a better place. The world would’ve been a better place without him.

“I’m going to hit something” Bucky mumbled, getting up and walking toward the gym. He barely heard Steve say, “I’d join you, but I think someone has to check up on Y/N, I’m sorry Buck”. Bucky just raised his hand giving him a thumbs-up. He didn’t look back, he was just going to keep walking until his hands were able to hit a boxing ball.

When he walked into the gym he found out he wasn’t alone. Clint and Pietro were there, it appeared Clint was teaching Pietro how to fight. “He, quick-ass keep your arms up otherwise you’re defenseless” Bucky yelled from the side line. “Been telling him that for hours now, he’s practically losing to that boxball” Clint told Bucky. “So kid what terrors bring you here?” Bucky looked at Clint with raised eyebrows, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bucky said, trying not to make eye contact. “We all know Cap and you work out together, at like 5 in the morning.”

Bucky had ignored Clint’s comment. He didn’t want to be confronted with his feelings right now. He honestly never wanted to be confronted with his feelings, but Steve didn’t give him much of a choice. Something about ‘keeping your feelings in only makes it worse’ or some bullshit like that. Bucky took a deep breath in, it was just the word, he told himself. It wasn’t the girl, it was just the word.

The sound of his hands hitting the boxball filled the gym. Left, right, left-left, right. Bucky had been hitting that boxball for three hours straight now, but the feeling just didn’t seem to disappear and he hated that. He hated not feeling in control. Just thinking about losing control made him so fired up he punched right through the boxing ball. Bucky sighed, Tony had said these boxballs were the best in the world, indestructible. “Indestructible my ass” He mumbled as he pulled his hand out of the sack. The ground was covert in fluffy white stuff, which made him look like he was walking in the clouds. The old Bucky would’ve made some joke about being an angel and everyone would’ve laughed and He would’ve loved. But he wasn’t the old Bucky and he hated it. He hated how he had lost his happiness, his control, but most importantly himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m SORRY this is so short, but I really wanted to upload. Next chapter will be longer I promise!


	5. Chapter: 5; What happend to you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were a trained assassin, used by HYDRA to train their “soldiers”. One of these soldiers being Bucky Barnes or as you knew him “The Winter Soldier”. Now many years and memory wipes later the two of you meet again. Will you remember what happened all those years ago?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from the readers point of view again. This chapter will include flashbacks

One knock, two knocks. “Hey, it’s Steve”. You didn’t answer, your body felt weird, your mind confused about what had just happened. “I’m coming in”. The doorknob went down, the door opened, your eyes went to the man. He was still as gorgeous, tall and blond as before. The only true difference was his expression, he had a big friendly smile on his face. You didn’t know if it was an act or not, which made you cautious.

“May I?” Steve asked nodding at the bed as if he was asking permission to sit down. The smile still very apparent on his face, but his eyes told a different story. His eyes told you he’s had a long day, they tell you he just wanted a quiet day. 

After you had made a sounds that faintly resembled ‘yes’ the man sat down next to you. “I’m sorry about Bucky” He said, the smile now replaced by a doleful look.

You frowned, shaking your head slightly. You didn’t want him to feel sorry, he should be angry, right? You did something wrong, you pissed someone off, so he should be angry.

Steve attempted to get you to talk, but you didn’t respond. You refused to make eye contact. Not because you didn’t want to talk, but because you were afraid of what would happen in you did. You felt the weight on the bed shift, Steve had stood up. “Look Y/N, I have to talk with Tony now, but if you ever want to talk I’m here okay. I’m always here” You didn’t have to look up to see the man was smiling at you.

It wasn’t until Steve had left the room, you looked up again and noticed the note on the table. Slowly you walked to the table, grabbing the note.

_“Dear Y/N,_

_Make yourself comfortable, there are clothes in the closet._

_Don’t touch the grey sweater, I need that for fighting_

_Well if you really want to, I suppose you could touch it, but please don’t._

_If you feel like it you could join us in the main room, just walk through the hallway._

_It’s easy to find I promise._

_This is Pietro btw, I’m your friend remember?_

_Steve said he thinks your really old, like him._

_You don’t look old don’t worry!_

  * _Your friend Pietro”_



You couldn’t help but smile when you saw the word ‘friend’. You never had any friends, not even before you time at HYDRA. Before HYDRA you had been a trained assassin, your whole life had been filled with violence ever since your mom had dropped you of at some kind of training camp when you were 4.  “Be good, I’ll come back soon” She had said, but you never saw her again. Instead of crying about it, your ‘leader’ had told you to just focus on being the best you could be. That you did, you learned to kill, infiltrate, fight, everything you needed to know and you were able to do it without feeling a damn thing. You had made it to the end of your training when your leader had decided to ‘gift’ you to HYDRA. That had been the start of the worst they of your life.

When you finally snapped out of your thoughts you realized you should probably change your clothes, like the note suggested. You pulled at a handle on what you at first sight had assumed was a wall, until you saw the handle of course. The closet opened to reveal a wardrobe filled with textures and fabrics you didn’t know. You ended up grabbing just a white shirt and a pair of underpants. All the pants felt weird and too soft, so you decided against pants. Changing into new clothes felt amazing, you hadn’t noticed how much yours smelled until you had these fresh new ones on.

You walked out of Pietro’s room, leaving your old clothes on the ground. You didn’t know where else to put them. Your hair was hanging down, it wasn’t always this long, was it? You were so lost in thoughts about you hair you hadn’t even noticed you were already in the main room.

“Ehum” The sound got you to look up, seeing a big group of people sitting there. Your first instinct was to run, until you felt a hand on you shoulder You looked behind you right into Steve’s piercing blue eyes. “How kind of you to join us” He said, smiling.

“I told you she would come” you heard Pietro say enthusiastically. You couldn’t help but wonder if he was always this enthusiastic? “Did you like my note?” Before you could answer the door opened, revealing a very, very sweaty Bucky.

“Hey guys” The man murmured, taking a seat on an empty seat in the outer corner of the room. You tried to read his expression, but you couldn’t, he seemed to be feeling nothing. Of course you didn’t think he feels nothing, it’s just how he appears right now.

Steve guided you to the couch, making you sit next to Pietro, while taking a seat on the opposite couch himself. You immediately felt an arm wrap around your shoulder and without thinking you grabbed it spun it around, making Pietro bend forward his, eventually falling onto his knees.  You didn’t even realize what you were doing until you heard the boy scream in pain. You felt two arms grab you from behind, pulling you back against the couch.

Steve and Bucky were now each holding one of your arms, while a woman was helping Pietro back up, making sure he wasn’t hurt. “Wow Doll, getting a little aggressive aren’t we” Bucky said, softly. You weren’t sure if he thought if it would calm you down or if he said it just to piss you off. You huffed, “Please get you hands of off me”.

“Y/N we’re gonna let you go, but you’re gonna tell us where you learned that, okay?” Steve said, making sure he had eye contact. God this man sure knew how to get people to agree to stuff, you had a feeling he could probably get you to sell your soul if he wanted too. You nodded, “Okay, but first I’d like to know who you guys are” You knew you were in no position to make demands, but here you are making a demand. The guys let go of your arm, but they still stood beside you. You rolled your eyes, “Look I am sorry for hurting you Pietro, I really am. It’s just my nature to assume it’s an attack” You really were sorry, this was the first person to call themselves your friend and you just had to fuck it up by hurting them.   
“I would really like to hear why that’s your ‘nature’ so I’ll start introducing myself. I’m Tony Stark, we met earlier” You hated how cocky the man was, especially when he made air quotes when saying nature. After Tony came a lot more people. You kept repeating the names in your head every time a new one was added. Making a mental note for every single one. Tony, Natasha (You already knew her), Peter, Vision (Weird name), Clint, Sam, Wanda (Pietro’s sister), Pietro (Who hopefully doesn’t hate you), Scott, James or Rhodey, Thor (Like the god), Bruce, Bucky and Steve (Also already know them).

You sighed you knew it was your turn to share now, you felt anxious, knowing they were gonna judge you. I mean how could they not, you literally worked for HYDRA. Out of the blue Pietro was sitting next to you again. You could have sworn he was sitting on the other side of the room just a second ago. “I’m quick, its my thing” He whispered in your ear when he saw the confusion on your face. You just nodded, “That doesn’t tell me anything” You whispered back. A small smile appeared on Pietro’s face, but as he opened his mouth to say something, Bucky interrupted him, “Aren’t you supposed to tell us who you are?”

You sighed, “I suppose I am.”

“It was 1944, the war was still waging back in Europe” You started at the beginning, your mom sending you away to that camp. You kept that part pretty quick and swift ending with, “So then I was a fully trained assassin and well I was forced to start working for HYDRA” Shame filled your face as you looked up, most looks were just shocked, but Bucky looked almost hurt? “That’s when the real shit began”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL INCLUDE MORE FLASHBACKS AND MORE HYDRA!READER AND WINTER SOLDIER, ALSO HER TELLING ABOUT WHAT SHE DOES REMEMBER FROM BEING A PART OF HYDRA AND I THINK THAT THAT IS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO GET IT’S OWN CHAPTER.  
> Thanks for reading and leave feedback in the comments please!!


	6. Why can't the past just be the past?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were a trained assassin, used by HYDRA to train their “soldiers”. One of these soldiers being Bucky Barnes or as you knew him “The Winter Soldier”. Now many years and memory wipes later the two of you meet again. Will you remember what happened all those years ago?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will include flashbacks, I’m doing my best to make clear when it’s a flashback and when it’s not. Also this chapter is to give more background, it doesn’t include a lot of Bucky but in the long haul it’ll really help with setting their history.

Closing your eyes, you took a deep breath. Swallowing down the thick lump in your throat as tears slowly began forming behind your lids. This was going to be a hard story to tell, especially because you weren’t sure it was over. You sure hoped it was…

“Here we go”

-

_“Present yourself”, A man, with a strong German accent, told you._

_You took a step forward, your arms behind your back. You stood straight, good posture was important after all. “Y/N Y/L/N, Alias; Backlash, Age 16, Trained assassin, Sir.” On the outside you exuded confidence, but in your mind you were terrified. Working for HYDRA was your first ‘official’ mission and you weren’t going to fail. You weren’t allowed to fail._

_The man held out his hand “I am Doctor Stein, one of the many scientist working here at HYDRA” You just nodded, following the man through the building, until eventually you stopped in front of a metal door. All the doors here seemed to be metal, the only thing that made this one different from the rest is that this one said ‘Backlash’ on the nameplate. “This is where you will be residing” The doctor said, pulling a key out of his white coat. You were given the key and the man left._

_You quickly made your way into the room. The room was empty, the only things in it were a bed and a bag filled with you belongings. There was one window, with a windowsill large enough for you to sit in. Which you had a crazy feeling you’d be doing a lot._

_After exploring the room, for as far as there was anything to explore, you decided to change clothing and explore the base. It would be your home for at least the next 6 months and well one has to know there home, am I right? You changed into a simple black tank and some green pants, similar to the ones soldiers wear. It was an outfit you felt comfortable in, it helped you blend in. At least it used to help you blend in. With your hair now up in a ponytail, you decided it was time to go out exploring._

_The second  you walked out of the room you had a whole bunch of eyes on you, you took a deep breath and kept walking. You weren’t going to let a bunch of sex deprived nerds keep you from doing what you wanted. While making your way through the compound you heard a lot of screaming. You knew all about HYDRA’s reputation of experimenting on humans, but you had hoped this would be done somewhere far, far away from you. You hated hearing these people scream, you really did. But you also knew that if you had to you could make people scream like that, make them feel pain like they’ve never truly felt pain before. You wouldn’t feel guilty about it, not even for a second. God you would kill anyone in a heartbeat. The only thing they’d have to do is give you the order._

_-_

_“_ You would kill anyone? People would just have to tell you to?” Peter asked, you could see the visible shock on his face.

You nodded, “Without a doubt”. You wished you could say something else, something better, but it was the truth, you would have. The way the young boy looked at you made your stomach twist. You had been raised to think this was normal. Deep down you knew it wasn’t okay, but you could deal with that. Now seeing this kid look at you with utter and complete fear in his eyes, it honestly made you feel awful. You looked at the boy once more. “It’s the truth, back then I would have. Now  I’m not so sure, I don’t believe blindly following orders was ever a smart move. Don’t do that it doesn’t work out positively, it’s a real uhm mess. I mean look at me” Your rambled, doing your best not to swear.

“I can confirm that” Bucky mumbled, “HYDRA’s orders can really fuck a person up”

“You worked for HYDRA?” You asked, your mouth falling open from shock.

“Work” The man spat, “If you call being brainwashed and forced, working then yes I worked for HYDRA”

You were staring into Bucky’s eyes, you hadn’t seen in before, but this man carries so much pain with him, so much guilt. A feeling of familiarity came over you, as if you had looked into these guilt filled eyes before. You wanted to ask him if you had met before, but Steve interrupted you.

“Buck, I think you might need to go get some air, I’ll go with you” The tall blonde stood up, waiting for his friend to do the same, making their way out of the room.

“Well now you know Bucky worked for HYDRA, which is great” Natasha said, “But I’d like to know more about you working for HYDRA.”

You had totally zoned out after watching the men leave, trying to place Bucky in your memories.  Whatever small amount you had left.

“Y/N”

“Oh yeah, yeah I’ll continue”

-

_“Backlash” You rolled your eyes, you had been working with HYDRA for months now and they still refused to call you by your name. “It’s Y/N, but yes Nicolas, what do you need?” You said turning around to face the young soldier, you had been training him for weeks now and to be honest he was awful. He wouldn’t last a second in the field, but he was brave. God, he might even have a good heart, so you didn’t understand what he was doing with a criminal organization like HYDRA.  You wanted to tell him he was wrong for working for them, but every time you looked into his chocolate brown eyes, you just melted. There was no way you could break this guy’s faith in HYDRA._

_It was like your heart stopped beating for a second when the words came out of his mouth. “They’re sending me out in the field, Y/N. They finally think I’m ready!” The boy seemed so exited to be out in the field, but quit frankly all you felt was sadness. You had just told the HYDRA officers that there was no way in hell Nicolas was ready to get into the field yet. You grabbed the boy and pulled him into a tight hug, ruffling his curly brown hair with your hand. “That’s great news buddy” was all you could say, your eyes filled with tears, you knew better then to get attached but your heart had been smarter then you brain. You didn’t even really know you cared for him until you knew it was to late._

_That was the last time you had seen him. Months went by and it was like nothing ever happened, like he never existed. After a while you had forgotten about him completely. You had moved on, training more people for HYDRA, helping the organization grow._

_Many more boys, men, like Nicolas came around, but it didn’t affect you. It’s not like you didn’t want to care, it’s like you had just lost the ability to do so._

_-_

“HYDRA freaking brainwashed me into not caring anymore”  You gasped at the realization. It’s like slowly the puzzle was coming together. Pietro’s hand rested on your shoulder, but you didn’t notice. You saw little flickers of a brightly lit room in front of your eyes.

-

_“Why would you send Hefner out there, I told you he wasn’t ready” You were fuming, yelling at your superior wasn’t something you would ever do, but for Nicolas you’d gladly make an exception._

_Doctor Stein, your superior or as you called him ‘the devil in a white coat’ scoffed, “You think your opinion matters, at all?” You were stunned, did he really just say your opinion didn’t matter, then why on earth did they want weekly reports on every single person trained??_

_“You guys are awful, just sending a soldier out there to get killed” You spat, “You are literally killing people all the damn time and why? To create some perfect little white person?” A hand struck you across your face. “If I were you I’d close my mind, young lady’’ The man said, “They assured me you’d be good at taking orders without questions, yet here you are questioning”_

_You rolled your eyes, “Yet here I am”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look at me, posting again. I hope y’all enjoyed this chapter. Leave feedback in the comments please!


	7. Chapter 7: Oh soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me a while to write because, sadly, I have lost the groove of writing this fic. I hope you guys stick with me trough trying to get back into this fic and enjoy this chapter! The first part is a flashback!  
> Wordcount:

Y/N told the team everything she could remember, but it was mainly just random bits and pieces. None of which seem corelate with one another at all.

It was frustrating not knowing what had happened. Especially if what you don’t remember is the last sixty years of your life. It’s not like you had just forgotten a drunk night out, no, you could barely even remember what had happened before that. You weren’t even aware of the reason whythey locked you up in the first place.

“I think it’s time for you to go to bed” Pietro said, pulling you out of your thoughts. You nodded a little, not really paying attention to the silver haired boy next to you.

Pietro stood up. You didn’t.

Five minutes passed, you were still sitting there, not even noticing all the eyes on you. Pietro let out a deep sigh and leaned to you, “I’m going to pick you up, please don’t attack”. His accent sounded even thicker when whispered.  You were wondering where he was from. “Okay” you finally muttered and held your hand out to him.

Within less then a second you were standing in the room you had woke up in a few hours earlier. You felt motion sick, yet at the same time as if hadn’t moved at all. “What kind of sorcery was that?” You murmured when Pietro put you down.

A smirk grew on his lips. “Not magic, princesa, science”

You furrowed your brows. Science? What kind of science makes a man that fast? Then it hit you. “HYDRA” you gasped. You couldn’t imagine it, this young boy was a HYDRA project? He had yet to tell you you’re right, but you could just feel it. You were right.

A sad look gloomed behind Pietro’s eyes as he slowly said “Yes”. As soon as the word came out of his mouth the way he carried himself changed. The confidence replaced by shame and guilt. “My sister and I we- we made some bad decision in a bad situation.”

“But you are only kids, you so   

young” you uttered in shock. You were always aware of HYDRA’s testing, but actually meeting someone that’s been trough that whole ordeal made it all so real.  You felt your stomach twitch, you knew that indirectly you helped create this. _You_ helped HYDRA, _you_ trained their people, _you_ helped them ruin lives, _you_ did that.

Tears were streaming down your face as you hugged Pietro. “I am so sorry”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. We signed ourselves up, we were acting out of anger. It’s our own fault” Your silver haired friend tried to assure you, though you were still blaming yourself knowing that others had made the mistake of working for HYDRA made you feel slightly better. At least you weren’t alone in this mistake.

The two of you kept on standing like that, your bodies against one another, tears streaming down both your faces. Your breathing in sync as if you were one person.

Suddenly the door opened and you let go of the speedster. Standing in the door opening was Bucky. When you saw the man you quickly whipped the tears from your face and without noticing, stood straighter as if he was your superior and you had to show him respect.

Pietro who seemed very uncomfortable with the current situation quickly excused himself from the situation, leaving you alone with the soldier.

You were looking into his gorgeous eyes and couldn’t help but wonder if you had met before. You must have been thinking out loud because Bucky responded back to your thoughts by saying, “I don’t know, not as far as I remember, but with HYDRA you never know”. He even gave you a little smile, it was obviously fake and forced, but you appreciated the effort.

You awkwardly smiled back. This was so uncomfortable.

“I think I should go to bed” You mumbled as you sat down on the bed. It was so soft, too soft, like everything around here.

“It’s to soft isn’t it” Bucky asked, now standing in the doorway. “I’d say you get used to it, but that’d be a lie” and with that the soldier left the room.

That was the most uncomfortable, yet comfortable conversation you had that entire day.

You were really tired and even though the softness of the bed made you feel rather uncomfortable you had no trouble falling as sleep as soon as your head hit the soft surface of the pillow.

~

 

_You had woken up in a tiny dark room. Your usual training suit replaced by some old rags. Your memories of what had happened prior were faint. All you really remembered was the pain. Such intense pain._

_“Hello, is someone there?” You managed to say when you heard a noise coming from where you assumed was the door. Your throat felt soar. Probably from the screaming you had done as a result of the pain.  The question was left unanswered and you were left in the dark clam room._

_There were no other people in the room, leaving you completely alone with your thoughts and no idea of time. It could have been hours, but it could have also been day when you got your first ‘visitor’ and finally the light went on. It was one of the regular guard you had seen parade around the premises before._

_“It’s Müller? Right?” You asked when your eyes met his. The man didn’t respond, but you could see in his eyes that you were right. Eyes can’t keep secrets, not for the trained eye. “C’mon man, I met your kids. You could just as well acknowledge my existence.”_

_A loud bang was heard on the wall. “Shut up” The guard hissed at you. This is when you realized you had touched a hard subject. You had found something to use against him, something to manipulate Müller into helping you._

_God knows you would have used it if it weren’t for the door opening. A group of white coats appeared in the tiny room, completely filling it, forcing the guard to leave to create space. Your first instinct was to stand up and fight, but the second you attempted to stand a shock ran from the back of your neck through the rest of your body. Your hand immediately grasped for the back of your neck, where you felt some sort of metal button. “What the hell was that?” you shouted at the scientist who all had a content look on their face._

_“It worked” You heard one of them say. What had worked? What had they done to you?_

_“You think she’s ready for him?” Another asked. Ready for who? What was going on?_

_They murmured some more and suddenly the room was empty again, the only thing left was a pile of clothes and a note -written in awful handwriting- that said: Get ready. You picked up the clothes, it turned out to be black pants and a tight leather vest, very much a regular uniform for your profession. Though you were pretty sure you were no longer employed and they were now just holding you captive._

_After considering your options you decided to change into the clothing provided, you braided you hair up and waited for further instructions._

_-_

_I am sorry this is short and trashy, but I am trying, so please stick with me xoxo_


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